Take My SEAT, Please!

It’s not that we think people should be stealing more Ibizas. But last place in the statistics? Somehow that’s a bit disappointing!

Take My SEAT, Please!

Good statistics take time. So we’ll just have to settle for the 2022 figures if we want to know which cars are being stolen most often in Germany. But first things first: following a low during the pandemic, the curve is on the rise again. A total of 12,277 cars were reported stolen in 2022 compared to 9,805 in 2021. The most frequently stolen model in 2022 was the Chrysler Grand Cherokee (fourth generation) with around 11.2 thefts per 1,000 insured cars, followed by the Kia Stinger and the Range Rover. As expected, German workmanship stands out in the overall brand statistics: Volkswagen, Audi, Mercedes and BMW (including MINI) lead the ranking of unexpectedly vacant parking spots. Pretty much what we expected.

ramp Seat Ibiza Parken 0246 ramp Seat Ibiza Parken 0237

But what if we look at the list from the other end? Which are the least popular brands among thieves? We’re surprised to learn that only 188 Porsches were stolen in the period covered. The least popular brand was SEAT, with just 151 thefts. Of course, we’re pleased to hear it. But it somehow makes us wonder: Are the door locks too good or what?

ramp Seat Ibiza Details 0075

Look, we’re not asking thieves to please take a SEAT, but the fact that the brand is so unpopular with the professionals (because practically only organized gangs are in the business these days) does bother us a bit. Especially because the Ibiza, as the company’s website proclaims, “is well known for its iconic and youthful design, defined by its perfect proportions”. The promotional text continues as follows: “As the refreshed model enters the fray, it’s defined by subtle additions to the vehicle’s exterior design that enhance the already characterful look of the model across all trim levels (Reference, Style, Xcellence and FR).” That should give the . . . uh . . . gentlemen something to think about in the future. Maybe they’ll reconsider? Perhaps they’re already slipping each other secret messages beneath closed doors as we speak: “Hey, bruvver, check it out: revolutionary interior concept, completely new dashboard layout, greatly improved infotainment system, more LED lights, Travel Assist for semi-autonomous driving, Side Assist, Lane Assist, High Beam Assist. But watch out! The connectivity lets rescue services, the owner and the police know where to find the car at all times!”

Keeping that in mind, we still can’t say what influence the Design 16” 20/3 Machined Alloy Wheels will have on the car’s . . . erm . . . popularity. On the left-hand side, the polished rays look a bit like Pinocchio’s feet; on the right we see five razor-sharp blades that seemingly want to claw their way into the asphalt. One car, four fantastic rims, two different styles. Isn’t that tempting? Perhaps the thieves are deterred by the handwritten lettering on the rear because it looks too much like a judge’s signature on a final verdict? On the other hand, thieves are often a bit fussy about things that aren’t entirely mainstream. That’s why they always leave a bit of tow rope dangling from the front. Another obstacle is that you activate the voice recognition by saying “Hola, hola!” That may be a bit too multilingual for the typical crook.

ramp Seat Ibiza Details 0023

So we still can’t be certain that the new SEAT, especially the revamped Ibiza, will be any more popular with thieves from now on. If not, there’s at least one consolation: Electric cars don’t ­feature in the ranking at all, as virtually none are stolen. Probably because the battery runs out before reaching the border.

Text: David Staretz
Photos: Steffen Jahn

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